Schools are reopening across the U.S. despite the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, with teachers doing their best to keep their students socially distanced. Still, these safety plans largely require kids to conscientiously obey strict rules — something kids aren’t exactly known for doing, least of all school bullies.
Comedian Karan Menon released a hilarious short video on Wednesday imagining how bullies might behave if they obeyed COVID-19 social distancing rules. Playing both parties in a schoolyard confrontation, Menon’s teens aggressively size each other up from a respectful six-foot distance, claiming they’d absolutely deliver a massive beatdown if it were safe to do so.
“You must be out of your mind if you think I’m gonna risk having a crowd gather around this fight as they inevitably do,” growls Menon in the viral two-minute clip. “The level of social distancing would be extremely low. Like your grades!”
Menon even managed to build out some compelling backstory for his safety-conscious teenagers, including a grandparent with a lung problems and a family restaurant that couldn’t secure a Paycheck Protection Program loan.
“A lot of that money got taken up by billionaire-backed corporations when it was supposed to go to small businesses,” says Menon. “And you know how I feel about small business!”
“The backbone of this economy!” the other bully concurs belligerently.
“I’d knock the shit out of your backbone if Dr. Fauci was okay with it!”
Menon is building up a solidly funny catalogue of ruthlessly efficient sketches and TikToks illustrating concepts like qualified immunity, systemic voter suppression, and why saying “All Lives Matter” is bullshit — usually starring himself, himself, and occasionally even himself.