[embedded content]

“Today I turned more at risk,” said Late Show host Stephen Colbert during Wednesday’s episode. Colbert celebrated his socially distanced birthday with a specially-ordered “Quarantine Birthday” banner, while his wife Evelyn McGee-Colbert crashed his filming with a quarantine cake. 

“Capitalism has already created a market for quarantine birthday signs,” Colbert’s daughter Madeleine quipped offscreen, clearly taking after her father.

Unfortunately, while things were fairly festive in the Colbert household, the world outside continues to collapse into a swirling vortex of entropy. Mixed messaging has meant more Americans are leaving their homes despite the ongoing pandemic, while models now predict 147,000 coronavirus deaths in the U.S. by August. 

As Colbert notes, that’s over twice the number of deaths predicted just last month. Yet despite this, President Donald Trump continues to insist America has “prevailed” while congratulating himself on a job well done.

“‘We won, and to celebrate I’m giving every American a big marble trophy with their name on it and the year they were born,'” said Colbert, imitating Trump’s distinctive voice.