Buying energy drinks in public is embarrassing. Every time I see someone scanning the cooler for their favorite flavor of Monster or Ghost, I guess which accompanying vape flavor they’ve picked out, and I know others are making the same assumption about me when I’m scoring a can of Celsius to beat back a hangover or get lifted before a 10-hour bartending shift.
The good news is that it’s easier than ever to purchase your favorite cans from Amazon, and the great news is that you don’t need to put on your Crocs and Cookie Monster jammies to do it. Throw in a nice little discount for buying in bulk and setting up auto-delivery, and you’re basically being paid to not leave your house. The future is here, and it is jacked up on B vitamins, red dye, and taurine.
As a devoted coffee drinker, I often feel like the misquoted New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael when I see neon-colored tallboys of high-octane energy drinks usurping shelf space from my favorite Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew variants at my local Sheetz. Energy drinks are big business—they raked in close to $20 billion in the US alone in 2023—yet I don’t know a single person who drinks them on a regular basis.
A good cup of coffee is hard to find at odd hours in the middle of nowhere. Energy drinks, on the other hand, are as no-fuss as it gets. At any hour of the day you can pick out an eye-catching can that boldly advertises its caffeine content, plunk down a few bucks, and shoot into space in just a few swigs. Homebodies and deal junkies don’t even need to leave their domiciles to cop excellent deals with lightning-fast shipping on their most beloved brands, provided they’re Amazon Prime members.
I love value, convenience, and caffeine, so I finally caved.
Still thirsty? Check out our other drink-related guides, including Best Coffee Subscriptions and Best Nonalcoholic Wines.
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How We Tested
Across the span of 21 days I sampled 30 different energy drinks from an amalgamation of readily available gas station staples, brands the Amazon algorithm was pimping extra hard that day, everything in the Whole Foods end cap that advertised its caffeine content, and a couple oddballs from the past you probably don’t remember.
I graded on taste, which is obviously subjective, and the palpable effects of the caffeine after knocking back a can at 8:30 am every day, after my daily 1.5-mile run with my dog. The extra cans were deployed two hours into shifts at my part-time bartending gig. I took one day off from the experiment due to gut-wrenching stomach pain and horrible night sweats. If there’s a Ghost-addled gamer in your basement as you read this, please consider offering them a wellness check, or a refill on their tendies at the very least.
1. Celsius Functional Essential Energy Drink
Though it has less carbonation than most energy drinks, Celsius is punchy without a cloying aftertaste and it does wonders in masking the medicinal notes that are present in similarly potent drinks. This is an absolute unit when it comes to the caffeine-to-volume ratio, and not a single flavor I tried was objectively bad.
Celsius is a hot up-and-comer for a reason, and it’s not shocking to see entire fridges stocked with its whole portfolio right next to the checkout counter at a growing number of gas stations. The can has a whole lot of text I will never read, but it’s attractive and not too much in the extreme gaming or health-nut quackery camps to dissuade potential buyers who care about being seen in public with an energy drink. Like the Beatles or In-N-Out, this is a consensus pick everyone agrees on.
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