Trump’s ‘Four Seasons Total Landscaping’ debacle brought out all the Yelp comedians

You might’ve missed it in the midst of Saturday’s revelry, but the Donald Trump campaign pulled some wild shit.

It started innocently enough, with Trump tweeting about an 11:00 a.m. press conference at the Four Seasons, a hotel. The tweet was soon deleted and replaced with another one, revealing that the press conference was now set for 11:30 a.m., and it would be happening at a Philadelphia business called Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

Sure, why not. The apparent error on Trump’s part was enough to draw a speedy response from the Four Seasons in Philly, which clarified on its own Twitter that Trump’s planned press conference had nothing whatsoever to do with the hotel.

The flurry of social media action quickly led to speculation on what had actually happened. By all appearances, the Trump campaign had hoped to hold a press conference at the Four Seasons. But when it quickly became clear that booking the hotel’s space wasn’t possible, or perhaps hadn’t happened as planned, the presser got pushed back 30 minutes as it moved to a similarly named location.

To be clear, there’s no reporting that suggests this is what actually happened behind the scenes. But the unfolding events at least hint at the possibility that’s what happened, as some observed. Though after four years of Trump, it’s just as possible to accept that someone on the campaign team thought it would be a good idea to stage a press conference outside a landscaping firm’s warehouse, that’s also just spitting distance from a crematorium and an adult bookstore.

Yes, this really did happen.

The press conference itself was the typical garbage that Trumpworld has been spewing since well before Election Day. Rudy Giuliani, now Trump’s personal lawyer, spent his time at the podium spewing lies and disinformation about what the Trump camp has characterized as a fraudulent election.

I’m not going to share any footage of the event here since I don’t want to perpetuate the campaign’s lies. But if you’ve seen any recent photos of Rudy, standing with his arms outstretched as he looks up to the sky, that’s from the Four Seasons Total Landscaping presser. It would be funny if not for the Trump administration’s destructive impact on American life during the president’s single, four-year term.

Yelp reviewers were feeling the comedy, though. A peek at the business pages for both Four Seasons Total Landscaping and the nearby Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore serves up some premium laughs at the Trump campaign’s expense.

(It should be noted that the Four Seasons Total Landscaping page on Yelp is currently adorned with an “Unusual Activity Alert” warning. If the clear attempts at humor didn’t give it away, the Nov. 7 reviews we’re sharing here are, in fact, jokes.)

“I had them come out to enrich a bunch of manure and boy did they step up to the bar!” Yelp reviewer Lou P. from Larkspur, Calif. wrote. “Was looking for just the right enhancer for my compost pile and they were super responsive, even on a Saturday!”

Daniel B. from Oberlin, Ohio also had some thoughts, and he was so excited to share them he did it on a phone. His “review,” which is fairly incoherent and stream-of-consciousness, ends with the clarifying parenthetical: “(Done with voice to text so you know its good)”.

Garbage venue
When you host the evil presidents dummy lawyers you know this isn’t a place to go. I will not hold any more business meetings here.  I don’t I don’t think I am going to take any of my convention meetings with all my employees cause gosh darnit I employ a lot of them but we don’t like what this place is doing the president is goon and his lawyers are 2 bit LA hacks that will try and threaten the integrity of this election if only for the chance to make a little bit of moneyGo suck an egg 4 seasons you and your whole stupid thing and you know what while I’m at it what is even the deal anyway why is it called 4 seasons landscaping stupid it’s stupid and you should be embarrassed. 

Matthew D. from New Berlin, Wis. went deep-cut to reference an unfilled Trump campaign promise. “Buyer beware!” he began. “They said they would build the best and most beautiful privacy wall between me and my neighbor, then dumped hundreds of used toilets in my yard and billed me $100k. What am I supposed to do with hundreds of useless toilets?”

What indeed, Matthew D.

A few reviewers, including John M. from Santa Maria, Calif. and Rebecca G. from Gilbert, Ariz., brought pictures along to strengthen their definitely 100 percent serious reviews.

This is one of my favorites. Joshua D. from Sterling, Va., riffed on current events involving the Trump camp when he wrote: “This place is a hotbed for coronavirus super spreaders. Do not visit unless you want to get COVID. I don’t know why they would allow these super spreaders there.”

Not to be outdone, the nearby Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore added three fresh reviews to the pile, more than doubling the store’s total reviews so far. Trish N. from San Francisco, Calif. went the more realistic and straightforward route in her review, though she did spare a fiery roast for Giuliani.

Followed COVID protocols. Owner wore a mask. I felt safer in here than I did next door. Outside there was large group of white men gathering in the parking lot and not wearing masks. I think one had his hand down his pants. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he must be trying to fix his shirt but I felt major creeper vibes. Thanks for being the business of pleasure and not manure.

Tucker H., from Brooklyn, NY, took a more metaphorical approach. “They had a large selection of buttplugs on display in the parking lot for some reason,” Tucker wrote. “And a lot of cameras around. Could be a little more discreet tbh. Think I’ll have my lotions mailed from now on.”

Funny stuff. But let’s be real: This press conference was a hastily thrown together shitshow that had the singular purpose of undermining Americans’ faith in our free and fair elections. Trump is a criminal who filled his inner circle (and outer circle) with criminals, and the sooner he’s gone from public view the safer we’ll all be.