It’s been a week for unexplained phallic sculptures in the wild. First the Utah monolith was removed, a group of men dismantling it within minutes and carting it away. Now a 6 foot 6 inch penis statue has gone missing from Grünten mountain in Bavaria, Germany, leaving behind a stump, sawdust, and lingering mystery.
Erected four years ago in equally mysterious circumstances, the enormous bratwurst quickly became a hiking landmark and local attraction. The wooden willy towered over travellers, who gathered on the 5,702 foot tall mountain to gaze upon its shaft like pilgrims of the peen.
This dildo for gods was a widely embraced fixture on the mountain trail, and had even been enshrined as a cultural monument on Google Maps. Unfortunately, with its secretive and unceremonious removal over the weekend, Germany’s big dick is now permanently closed.
Local paper Allgaeuer Zeitung reports that police in Kempten, Bavaria are currently investigating the case of the purloined prick. However, it’s unclear if any offence has actually been committed. The owner of the giant one-eyed monster was and still is unknown, so there is no clear victim in this penile kidnapping — aside from admirers of the epic trouser snake. The huge pipe simply appeared on the mountainside one day with no explanation, like a dirty miracle.
A prominent theory on the gargantuan pecker’s origins is that it was the result of a practical joke by a group of young men. If this is the case, one hopes the original owner simply returned to carry off their wayward boner, and that the missing cock is now safe and warm in its loving forever home.
Unfortunately there are currently no clues regarding the beloved knob’s disappearance, so we may never know who is behind world’s biggest game of hide the sausage.
This isn’t the first time the titanic tackle has come to grief. The massive member was previously knocked over in November, though it was quickly restored to its permanently erect state.
Side note: If you have an erection that lasts for two hours or more, that’s called a priapism and you should seek medical attention immediately.