John Phipps doesn’t want you to thank him for his military service any day, but especially on Memorial Day. “[Memorial Day] isn’t about anyone who’s alive,” says Phipps.
Phipps could have easily been one of those service members who didn’t return home. Between 2003 and 2008, he deployed two times each to Iraq and Afghanistan. America started wars with both of those countries and was still embroiled in them during Phipps’ tours.
At 21 years old, Phipps turned to the Marines because he couldn’t pay for college. “I had zero ambition or direction and I knew if I didn’t break out of that cycle, all of a sudden I’d look in the mirror and I’d be 50 and I’d still be doing that,” says Phipps.
While there are certainly service members who sign up out of a sense of duty to protect America, Phipps is adamant that he’s not one of them. “I didn’t join the military to go off and be a hero. I did it because I had no options left,” he said.
The reasons ultimately don’t matter when it comes to talking about the act of service, though. Phipps is very vocal online about how to treat both former and current military members.
Mashable spoke with Phipps to learn how you can virtually honor and remember the deceased on Memorial Day — and what to avoid.
1. Choose your words carefully
While you may have good intentions on Memorial Day to thank those who’ve served, Phipps says you should avoid that inclination.
“People have this idea that the military is full of nothing but heroes,” says Phipps. “Just because somebody died in combat, [it] doesn’t mean they were heroic or deserving of your thanks.”
It’s not only Phipps who feels this way. He’s never met anyone in the military who wants to be thanked for their service.
In the same vein, don’t tweet “Happy Memorial Day” or something similar.
Hey, do me two favors on #MemorialDay2021.
1: Don’t celebrate. There’s nothing to celebrate. Don’t say “Happy Memorial Day”. It’s not a happy occasion. I guarantee you there’s not a single Gold Star family celebrating. They’re remembering.
— John Phipps, The Most Important Man in the World (@GameDadJP) May 28, 2021
Vice President Kamala Harris came under fire for her tweet during Memorial Day weekend because some thought it was disrespectful because it didn’t mention the holiday or why it’s celebrated. But Phipps think that reaction is overblown and is a magnet for internet trolls.
“She’s [Harris] just telling people to enjoy the weekend,” says Phipps. “I said that to my 13-year-old like, ‘hey man, have a good time this weekend.'”
2. Remember everyone who’s died — not just Americans
Phipps interprets Memorial Day in a different way than a lot of people.
“For me, Memorial Day isn’t just about soldiers. It’s about everyone who has passed [in a violent way] who should be here,” says Phipps.
That includes people who’ve never even touched a battle field, like Black people who’ve been killed by police in America.
2: spare a thought not just for our war dead, but also dead Iraqi and Afghan civilians, frontline medical workers, PoC unjustly killed by police, and anyone else who’s dead because of choices our country made or actions we took.
— John Phipps, The Most Important Man in the World (@GameDadJP) May 28, 2021
Phipps didn’t always think this way. When the infamous killing of Trayvon Martin, an unarmed Black teen, shocked the country, Phipps, who’s a white man, also woke up.
“I was one of those individuals who couldn’t imagine that being Black or gay or trans was anything different from my experiences,” he says. “But once you realize that is not the case, that whole narrative starts to crumble.”
He also wants people to recognize people of other nationalities who’ve suffered and died during American wars.
“Not only was it Afghan and Iraqi civilians who died because we started [the Iraq War] we didn’t need to, it was also Iraqiand Afghan interpreters who worked with us and trusted us and we broke a lot of promises to them,” says Phipps.
One such promise was to grant American immigration status and citizens to Afghanis and Iraqis who served alongside the American military, and because of that association with the U.S., hundreds have been killed in their own countries.
Phipps held a lot of misconceptions about the Middle East and its people before he served. But those illusions were shattered during his military service.
“All I knew about the Middle East was they attacked us on 9/11,” says Phipps. “But when you actually get to know people in the Middle East, they’re kind and hospitable.”
3. Reflect and speak up
Phipps wants people to reflect on Memorial Day.
“Use Memorial Day as a lesson. A lesson about what happens when we just rush into a war [like the Iraq War] for no reason at all or for the wrong reasons,” says Phipps. “A lot of men and women, both American service members and Iraqis are dead now who absolutely should not be.”
One way to transform your reflection into action is to speak up when you see something wrong online, like someone speaking in a discriminatory way about a group of people.
“If you seen an injustice, speak up about it. You never know who you’re going to change, who’s going to hear, whose heart you’re going to touch,” says Phipps. “You know what happens if we do nothing? Nothing.”
4. Give space to those who are grieving
Phipps doesn’t think it’s your place to bombard those who have lost family or friends, whether during military service or to a different kind of unjust violence.
If someone expresses their grief online about their deceased loved one — and, importantly, it’s not someone you know beyond a Twitter handle and maybe some occasional online banter — observe and let them be.
“Don’t hop in there and say ‘Oh, blessed Memorial Day. So sorry for your loss,'” says Phipps. “It’s hollow, you didn’t know that person. You probably don’t know the pain they’re experiencing.”
The only exception is if they’re openly receptive to receiving condolences.
But what you can absolutely do is amplify their social media status to spread the message about their loved one, says Phipps. However, don’t add your own commentary (like with a quote tweet), especially if you just talk about yourself.
“Let people tell their stories,” says Phipps. “Let people grieve because that’s what Memorial Day is for, grieving and remembering.”