May is National Masturbation Month, and we’re celebrating with Feeling Yourself, a series exploring the finer points of self-pleasure.
While hot vaxxed summer is rapidly approaching, that doesn’t mean everyone will suddenly drop their virtual connections for IRL experiences. More than half of Hinge users, for example, said they are still likely to go on video dates even when it’s safe to meet in-person.
It’s easier than ever to explore your sexuality online, whether it’s a virtual threeway or mutual masturbation over FaceTime or other video. If you’re wondering why one might want to jerk off on cam while someone else is not only watching but also jerking off on cam, read on.
Benefits of (virtual) mutual masturbation
Mutual masturbation has a number of potential benefits no matter if it’s done in the same physical space or over video, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire.
If one or both partners aren’t in the mood for intercourse but still want to be sexual together, for example, mutual masturbation is a way to do that.
As Mashable’s Rachel Thompson noted in 2018, mutual masturbation can help close the “orgasm gap” heterosexual women experience by showing their partner what they like.
Lehmiller agreed. “Mutual masturbation can also be a helpful teaching tool for showing your partner what you like and/or the kind of stimulation that helps you to reach orgasm,” he said. “In other words, it can be a sexy ‘show-and-tell’ of sorts and a potentially helpful form of sexual communication.”
“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist,” said Taylor Sparks, adult travel curator and founder of online sex toy retailer and subscription service OrganicLoven. You have the opportunity to watch someone you want to have sex with — or have already — pleasure themselves.
“You get to be both a voyeur and an exhibitionist.”
“They’re the master of their body,” said Sparks of your partner. “So if there’s anything you want to pick up how to do, they’re about to show you.”
What’s more is that mutual masturbation can be a novelty if you and your partner have never partaken. If you are looking to “expand your sexual menu,” as Lehmiller put it, this act is an easy one to add.
How to bring up mutual masturbation with your partner
Sparks emphasizes the importance of sexual compatibility when approaching a partner about potentially masturbating over video together. Are they uncomfortable discussing their sexual experiences and desires? Would broaching the topic of phone or video sex make them clutch their pearls? If the answers is yes, they may not be down for this activity — and that’s okay. Everyone has different preferences, and perhaps over time they’ll grow more comfortable discussing and exploring sex.
If they’re already comfortable, though, that opens the door to this discussion. Think of sharing your desire for this as talking about any other sexual fantasy, Lehmiller said. Pick the right time and place, like when you’re both aroused. Validate your partner and let them know how attractive you think they are. Then introduce the idea by saying something like, “I think it could be really hot if we try this new thing together.”
“The goal is to start a conversation about it,” Lehmiller said. “See how your partner feels and if they have any concerns.”
Image: vicky leta / mashable
You and your partner’s consent, safety, and comfort are the top priorities. If your partner is self-conscious about being watched or has privacy concerns, for example, discuss it. Maybe this activity just isn’t for you, or maybe there are ways these concerns can be addressed. An example Lehmiller gave is establishing that no video will be recorded without mutual consent; another is that for the first time, one partner will masturbate while the other watches.
Pacing is important when it comes to sex, said sex expert and educator Kenneth Play. It’s like a dance: You can go too fast or too slow and it won’t feel right. If you want to do this with someone you’ve just been speaking to online, jumping from chats to asking them if they want to masturbate over Zoom may be too fast (for most folks, anyway), for example.
Play suggests starting with text-based flirting and progressing onto sexy photos and videos. If your dirty talking muscle has atrophied over the pandemic or you just want some guidance, Play suggests reading up on it. The Nice Girl’s Guide to Talking Dirty by Ruth Neustifter is one option.
Nudes and videos can progress into playing with your cameras on, Play continued. To get in the mood, you can watch cam shows together and see what turns you on.
“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits,” said Lehmiller. And if your partner isn’t into this idea at all, it’s okay. Don’t try to persuade or push them. Rather, suggest alternate ways of exploring intimacy and encourage your partner to share any ideas they have, too.
“Take it slowly, test the waters, and show mutual respect for each other’s boundaries and limits.”
Have a discussion in advance, advised Lehmiller. Set boundaries, even establish a safe word depending on what type of play you’re doing. Discuss what you’re looking to get out of the experience together. This can help both of you feel relaxed.
One partner can lead the experience, said Play, and that can actually make the experience easier. That partner can tell the other what to do or lead by doing; everyone knows their role. “Setting a framework [for the session] in more of a gamification way is easier,” Play said, “and getting comfortable telling people what you want the other partner to do for you is a good way to practice sexual communication.”
How to create the perfect video set up for mutual masturbation
There are enough dick pic rating sites out there to know that angles are important not just for your face, but elsewhere on your body too. Sparks’ favorite setup is on the bed. If you sit up on the bed and put your laptop “right there” so to speak, you should have a straight shot. You can stack pillows under yourself to give an angle from below, and if your bed is flush against a wall you can lean against it. Sparks finds that the most comfortable.
If you’re using your phone and don’t have a tripod, you can lean your phone against a pile of books. Or, if you want a more “in your face” from below angle, you can go onto your knees and place your phone (or other camera) below you.
Ultimately, it’s not about seeing your genitals…well, not all about seeing your genitals. As Play noted, it’s extremely easy to fill that void with a few clicks onto a porn site. What virtual play is about is eroticism — setting the scene, being in the mood — and intimacy, even if it’s digital.
There’s a reason why OnlyFans and other platforms have blown up over the past few years; people crave that closeness and engagement, Play said. The same is true for some cam performers. But cam shows don’t have to just turn you on. They can be a force of inspiration, he mentioned, in terms of setting up camera angles and how you want to format a shot.
As for lighting, Play recommends red. “Red light is really good on camera,” he said. “Even if your room is messy…it does really work on skin color.” For audio — which Play finds really important, and considering the rise of audio erotica, many agree with him — wireless earbuds can be better than a stationary microphone so when you move around, your mic moves with you.
You can also wear a layer of clothing that you’ll eventually take off so you get progressively more nude.
Don’t hesitate to bring in sex toys, either. Many Bluetooth-enabled options can be controlled from afar — but they’re not perfect, as Mashable’s Jess Joho discovered when testing out “smart” sex toys. If you have the funds to spring for it, Play enjoys the rideable cowgirl machine.
Again, consent and safety are key. While you’re on camera together, Sparks advises to check in on the other person’s body language. Notice their facial expressions and if their body seems stiff. These are essential clues to seeing if someone really wants to be showing themselves on camera. If your partner looks even slightly uncomfortable, stop what you’re doing and talk it out.
Mutual masturbation can enhance your sexual experience and even your relationship with your partner — even if it’s done virtually. Don’t let screens get in the way of your good time. (Though do definitely clean them up afterwards.)